Lost

I am mutant.

I know this because I have a brain. I know this because my mind runs entirely counter to the minds of each & every person I meet whether they are intelligent or not. Yes, there are exceptions, but....

Before you go on, let me plague you, my audience (of...three?), with a disclaimer. Below you will find not just a subject, but also some specifics which may appear to be directed at a particular person. I assure you, this is not the case. This subject has been welling up in my psyche, growing, perhaps, out of control, for many years.

That said....

As a man, I freely admit to -- at least -- being influenced by the testosterone running through my veins. I can't help but feel excited either when I see a woman I find attractive, see, hear or read something erotic. I'm not dead.

Maybe it's this Sex In the City mentality women everywhere now have, with all the fantasy trappings involved; maybe it's the unnatural influence the sex industry has on society, the mind-numbing drivel spewing from television & romance novels, the brain dead celebrities telling us what's hot & what's not, the inane popularity of advertising some corporation on our clothing -- for free, & let's not forget that so many believe the lies marketing people & politicians want us to.

In my twenties, when I was just another twenty-something male with raging hormones, sex meant a lot more to me. As with most every other guy getting off was the first thought which had entered my mind when I'd see most anything of a feminine nature. And yeah, I had -- & still do -- a great fondness for a woman in a skirt or dress -- particularly in peasant style.

But now, after years of disappointment, education & realizations I grow ever more weary of so much. I became aware of government corruption during the time of Watergate. From that time forward, there may have been certain aspects of one administration or another, one politician or another, that I have liked, but having seen through the lies we've been told since I was a child, I can't help but be disillusioned.

The lies of marketing people -- the likes of which I know from experience even they are oblivious to -- have continued to dig into the wounds of disappointment I've experienced all my life.

Over these many years since my first kiss -- which I'm sure Jacinda Larson has gratefully forgotten -- I have had the great fortune to have experienced a fair number of women -- in my view, anyway. Each of these women were of vastly different personalities, yet -- even those whom I'd grown to like least -- have taught me incredible things. Things I would never have believed when I was a twenty-something.

In particular, I think the greatest lessons were in what I don't want.

Don't get me wrong. Each of the women for whom I've had any feelings -- requited or otherwise -- had some wonderful qualities (some more than others, of course). Whether lusting after or falling in love with, I remember. I even -- much to their astonishment, I'm sure -- remember the good times, as well as the bad.

So, is there one thing, above all else, I have learned from these relationships & liaisons? Have I been searching for something, a thing which, although allusive, grows into a solid mass of desire?

Oh, yes. I cannot say that it has yet become so defined that I can state what it is in twenty-five words or less, but I am beginning to see it more clearly. It has finally taken form.

Growing up, we are all told what the ideal must be. While this ideal may vary from one person to the next, there are certain aspects akin to each description. There are certain qualities or aspects related to all of them -- & they're not all fairy tales.

Somewhere along the line, I think due to the disappointment which we have all experienced, these qualities have been blurred. Let's face it, few marriages or relationships last. People are looking for things rather than senses. We're looking for money -- a "daddy" figure; we're looking for physical sensations -- not cerebral or emotional; we're looking for someone for now -- not a life time.

Maybe I'm a man out of time, or just old fashioned (read delusional). Sex & things are great, but do I give a damn if this woman or that can get me off? No. I'm much more interested in that sense of looking forward to being in her presence after work, a trip, or whatever. Am I looking for fantasy? Maybe in respect to finding an actual partner -- a woman with intelligence, rather than college degrees -- which we have to admit really don't denote intelligence; or that I seek someone with an artistic nature, rather than economic. By no means do I mean to discount sex, silliness, or even of roll-play. I just see too many looking for the wrong things.

Whatever happened to good times & bad, what happened to thinking of the other first, where are the compromises?

Are we all now doomed to disappointment in love?